We’re not only wired to want what we can’t have, but we’re also wired to want what we really don’t want. – Ally McBeal

I don’t really know much of anything. I fear my eventual downfall in love and in life will be that sole fact. What do you want to be? What do you want to do? How do you feel about him? I could never explain why I’d want to be with someone, all I could say is that, that’s how I felt in that moment. For better or for worse. I often make decisions based on how I feel at any given moment, rather than weighing rational things I could care less about. And just as abruptly, my feelings could change, without reason, I’d just feel differently about someone. We’d been talking on the phone for a month or so before he decided to visit, and though I wasn’t sure — I knew I was never really sure about anything — I let him. And the moment he stepped off the plane, I knew then, too late, that I’d been wrong. This, about the guy who I would talk to for hours on the phone, who made me look forward to waking up. A few days after, I’d be going out to lunch with a friend. He’d forced me to get out, to stop wallowing in bed over someone who I wasn’t heartbroken over. And even in my depressive mode, when I saw him that day, I recall it occurring to me, for the first time, that he looked cute. There was nothing out of the ordinary about that day. I don’t know where it came from, or how or why or whatever. But that was, that story.

There’s a reason I said I’d be happy alone. It wasn’t ’cause I thought I’d be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It’s easier to be alone, because what if you learn that you need love and you don’t have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It’s like dying. The only difference is death ends. This? It could go on forever. - Grey’s Anatomy

I always knew the dangers of getting into a relationship and letting it consume your entire life. I’d witnessed friends falling into relationships, losing touch with their friends and leaning so hard on this one other person that when it was over, I’d wonder, if they’d ever recover. A few years ago, when we were still in college, a girl friend had found out her boyfriend had cheated on her. She’d driven 120 miles from home, and appeared at our apartment. And up until that point, I’d never seen her so. distraught. and a part of me wasn’t sure she was going to survive. We were twenty-one.

Being alone is easy. The only person who can disappoint you is yourself. There are no expectations. You don’t have to hold anyone to a higher standard, so you’re never let down.

Relationships are hard. First, we have to find that line between being with someone in a healthy way, and being all consumed by them. But when you’re with someone enough, you start to have these expectations of them, you start to get used to being with someone, you start to get used to curbing your life, your plans around someone, and then, when you’re supposed to step back for fear of losing yourself in them, and you’re supposed to get used to not being their only priority, sometimes the insecurities step in, whether warranted or not. And some moments you’ll wonder, if feeling that insecure is worth the price of being with them.

I used to be adamant about the way a relationship should be. Two people who understood each other, two people who got each other on a level that’s rarely had between people, two people who were not all consumed with one another, individuals making the choice to be with each other because they fit. And as a result, I never really factored in the insecurities that might arise, the kind that only exist when you’re so afraid of losing something, someone. I thought, that if, you were in the right relationship, there shouldn’t be those insecurities.

But I’ve learned that I don’t know much of anything — if anything is to be true.